Six months ago, I began a relationship with a man who is an undocumented immigrant in another country. Our relationship has been and continues to be by telephone. He loves me and has asked me to be his wife.

A month ago, he asked that we make video calls to get to know each other intimately. I gave in because I love him, but I don’t feel that this is right before God. We would like to be together and get married, but the immigration situation doesn’t allow us to, since he can’t come and I can’t go to meet him. Help me, please! What should I do?

Dear Friend,

There is an important detail of your story that you have left out. You say that you began the relationship six months ago, but you don’t say if you already knew this man before he went to the other country. We are going to assume that you have never met him in person, since you don’t say that you have.

If that is the case, then all you know about this man is whatever he has chosen to tell you. You don’t know if he is addicted to drugs or alcohol. You don’t know how many other women are a part of his life. And you don’t know how many children he may have with other women. You are basing your feelings completely on the way he presents himself, without having any idea what is true and what is false.

Of course, you believe that this man is honest and sincere, and that he is exactly the same as the way he presents himself. It is unthinkable to you to doubt his integrity because you can’t bear to consider the possibility that he is taking advantage of you to get what he wants.

You say that you feel that what you have done is not right before God, so apparently God is speaking to you through your conscience, reminding you that the kind of intimacy that you are experiencing with your boyfriend is not meant to happen until after marriage. Every time you have these experiences, your bond to this man becomes stronger. Yet it is extremely doubtful that you will ever live together. You are agreeing to create an impossible situation and choosing to stay in that situation for the rest of your life.

What about the men in your own country who might be interested in you if they only knew you? They can’t get to know you as long as you are busy on the phone with this virtual boyfriend. You are choosing to put all your efforts into a relationship that has little hope, instead of investing time in a relationship with a man with whom you can potentially have a future.

In our opinion, it is as if you were racing down a road full-speed without being able to see that you are about to crash into a brick wall. Stop now, and save yourself all the hurt and heartache that would certainly occur as a result of that crash.

We wish you the best,

Linda

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