I was very young when I got married, and my marriage has not been what I had expected due to lack of attention, a lot of arguments, blaming, and violence. So I began a simultaneous relationship that I started with meetings just to talk, in which I felt I was having my needs met by being supported and understood, leading all the way to intimacy. That obviously secret relationship lasted for two years. A year passed, and I tried to have a relationship with another man, but I couldn’t keep it up because my husband started following me and watching me like he did toward the end of my previous relationship.
Now, after almost ten years, I am once again pursuing another man, sending him messages on social networks and emails. I would say that it’s harmless, that I’m only looking for friendship, but I’m not sure. What do you advise me to do? Am I doing wrong?
Dear Friend,
It is a good thing to ask for advice, especially when your conscience is telling you that something is wrong. The doubt you have about whether it is right to have another extramarital relationship certainly is a warning from your conscience. God gave you a conscience to protect you from unwanted consequences, and if you listen to its warnings, you may save yourself a great deal of heartache.
You say that your husband was following you around and watching you. You obviously were lying to him about where you were going and what you were doing, which is why he decided to follow you and find out the truth. You hid a part of your life from him, and that is why you felt you had to lie.
You disclose various reasons for your failed marriage, but most of them have to do with your husband not understanding you or meeting your needs. When you say there was also violence, we have no way of knowing if that violence includes one of you hitting the other in an act of physical abuse, or if the violence you describe is something like an angry person who slams the doors and knocks things over. Our guess, from everything you say, is that there has not been physical abuse.
What is clear is that you are unhappy in your marriage. The positive way of seeking more happiness is to work on the marriage. So go to marriage counseling or find a happily married couple that is willing to mentor you. If your focus remains on how to get your own needs met, then you are doomed to fail. Happy marriages consist of a man and woman who are each most concerned about meeting the needs of the other.
Are you doing wrong? Yes. You are breaking at least two of the Ten Commandments. You have lied and committed adultery. But it is not too late to change. Jesus Christ died on the cross in order to forgive your sins. In spite of what you have done, He will forgive you if you decide to go His way instead of your own way.
We wish you the best,
Linda