My niece and I grew up together, and I think of her as a sister. We still live in the same home. Lately I have felt that she is annoyed and resentful towards me. A few days ago, I went to apologize to her in case I had offended or hurt her in any way. Through tears, she forgave me, but the next day the atmosphere was more hostile. I don’t know what to do. Should I keep asking for forgiveness until she lets go of whatever she’s holding inside, or should I distance myself to keep my heart from possibly developing resentment towards her?
COUNSEL
Dear Friend,
We commend you for being aware of your niece’s feelings and for wanting to repair any strain on your relationship. Even though you don’t say so, you must believe that you may have done or said something that has hurt her feelings, which is why you are so willing to apologize.
The Apostle Paul taught, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”(1) The key phrase is “as far as it depends on you.” This is an acknowledgement that every misunderstanding has at least two people who must each do their part to live in peace. You can only do your part, and your niece must do her part.
However, women sometimes have health factors that are not obvious and that they may not fully understand themselves. There is a complex schedule that manages the brain chemicals and hormones that operate in a woman’s brain and body. A woman may find herself crying unexpectedly because her brain chemicals have caused her to be especially sensitive, or she may be irritable for the same reason. As a man, you don’t need to understand all of this, but you must be aware that it could be contributing to your niece’s fluctuating moods.
At the same time, it is good to be aware that adult family members often find it difficult to live under the same roof with one another. Most often, one of them is either oblivious or simply uncaring of the way that his habits affect the other ones. It could be something as mundane as staying in the bathroom too long, not cleaning up after oneself, or making noise too late at night. On the other hand, it could be something more substantial, such as being domineering, critical, or financially irresponsible.
Whatever it is that is bothering your niece, it obviously is quite important to her. The fact that you don’t know what it is could indicate that you have not been a good listener. Instead of apologizing repeatedly to her, as you suggest, we recommend that you try hard to listen every time she speaks. Tune out all the other noise in the room and tune in to her words. Rather than interrupting her, let her complete her thoughts and sentences. Don’t try to solve her problems, don’t give her advice, and don’t minimize her concerns. By the attentive and concerned way that you listen, you will show her how much you care.
We wish you well,
Linda
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1 Ro 12:18 (NIV)