My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have two children, and during all this time, he has verbally abused me. At first, I kept quiet. I believed that, by staying silent, he would change…. But I’ve come to have suicidal thoughts, and feel anxiety and desperation…. I’ve even felt that I hate my daughter because she’s just like him…. and I’ve physically abused her….
The last time we talked, my husband told me that this is how he is, that he won’t change, and that I’m the one who provoked him…. He’s a hard worker. We go to church, but I feel he doesn’t try to change through God’s help. I’d rather die than separate from my husband and see my marriage destroyed.
Dear Friend,
We are very sorry to hear about your extremely difficult family circumstances. From your words we understand that your husband has verbally abused you, and that you have physically abused your daughter. But we don’t know if your husband has abused anyone physically, nor if you have abused anyone verbally.
All families have their share of difficulties, and none agree all the time. But when does a disagreement turn into verbal abuse? Name calling is the most easily identifiable sign of abuse, as it is a means of criticizing and insulting in an attempt to demean and belittle the victim in order to undermine their self-esteem and self-confidence.
Making threats, intimidating the victim by threatening to do harm or to abandon them, is another form of verbal abuse that is extremely destructive. Other forms of verbal manipulation include sarcasm, mockery, shaming, and yelling. In addition to the verbal abuse, a controlling abuser may attempt to isolate his victim from other people, or try to make her believe that she is mentally unstable.
Living in an environment of verbal and physical abuse is not healthy for any of you. You admit to suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and desperation, and it is possible that other members of the family may be experiencing the same. Please don’t wait until tragedy strikes to treat this situation with utmost seriousness.
We highly recommend that you and your husband see a professional counselor. If you have health insurance, a counselor may be available at a reduced cost, but we believe that you should prioritize this treatment even if it is costly. Your lives may depend on it. However, get referrals and read online reviews to make sure that the counselor you choose will not be antagonistic toward your faith.
Attending church doesn’t seem to have made a difference in your lives, but it does indicate that you both have respect for God and His Word. The Apostle Paul taught, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs”.(1) So, according to this teaching, those who engage in verbal abuse are sinning against God. Walking through the church doors, even when done regularly, does not take away sin or guilt. God does not forgive sin unless the person who asks for forgiveness is truly sorry and wants to change.
We wish you well,
Linda
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1 Eph 4:29 (NIV)