I got married and, at the start of the pandemic, my husband migrated alone to [another country]. My two children and I stayed behind. Over time, I found out that he pays women for sex. He says that’s all it is, but it broke my heart and I am devastated….
Now he tells me that, if I want our relationship to survive, I need to go to be with him, but my children don’t want to travel, so I don’t know what to do. If I stay, I will suffer from losing my husband, and if I go, how could I leave my children? Whatever decision I make, I will be hurt and lose something.
Dear Friend,
You are absolutely right! There is no decision that will let you have it all. So you are wise to ask for assistance in making such a momentous choice.
There are several facts that we are going to have to assume because you don’t specify. First, we assume that the children have a father who is not your current husband. Otherwise, why would a man (your husband in this case) want his own children to be deserted by their mother? But if they are not his children, he might not care much if you left them. In fact, it is possible that one of the reasons your husband left the country was that he didn’t get along with your children.
On the other hand, if your husband is the father, then we assume that your children are old enough to be independent. In that case, your husband could be planning to help them come at a later date when they might be more willing.
However, none of our assumptions really matter because your husband has already betrayed you and broken his vows. It would be very unwise to trust him again. After all, he isn’t saying that you should come because he loves you. Instead, he is threatening you that if you don’t do what he wants, he is ready to move on with other relationships. And just as he has already betrayed you, it is very likely that he will continue to do so.
We never recommend that spouses live in different countries from one another. A version of what has happened to you has happened to countless other women.
When your husband committed adultery, he broke the vows and trust that bound you together. In some marriages there can be forgiveness and a new beginning, but we don’t believe there is hope in your case.
When there are situations in which a parent must make the terrible decision to choose between the spouse and the dependent children, we always choose the children. They are the victims of the bad choices that their parents make. They should not be punished or rejected for their parents’ sins.
As you move forward, ask God to help you, and trust Him to guide you. Read the New Testament of the Bible and make decisions based on the principles that you learn there.
We wish you well,
Linda