My father tried to abuse me sexually, but God saved me from his clutches. That eventually led me to develop a spiritual relationship with my Heavenly Father, who is a true father to me. Even so, I have tried to keep the commandment to honor your parents, but in my case I see it as impossible. How is it possible to honor a wicked man when God detests wickedness?
Dear Friend,
We are very sorry that your biological father brought this unspeakable trauma into your life. In order to act in such a wicked way, his pathological and evil urges must have been stronger than his paternal love for you. He allowed those perverse urges to drive him to act like a pedophile instead of a father. And although he didn’t abandon you physically, he did abandon you emotionally. He betrayed you and stole your innocence.
In most cases, pedophiles have more than one victim. Therefore, it is critically important for you and your family to protect any children with whom your father may come in contact. Grandchildren should never be left in the home with him, even if your mother is present. He cannot be trusted, even if he says that he is sorry for what he tried to do to you.
If you discover that other siblings or cousins were abused, then your father committed more than one crime and should be reported to the authorities. Every country has its own laws regarding the specifics of the situations, but pedophilia is illegal almost everywhere. And those who try to protect a pedophile by lying or covering up what he did are uninformed, misguided, and possibly criminally negligent.
However, you are correct about God’s original design for the family. Children are to honor and respect their parents, even after those children are grown up, and even if the parents don’t deserve honor. But this does not mean that adult children are obligated to obey their parents. Neither should they assist their parents in illegal, immoral or hurtful behavior. Adult children can disagree with their parents, but they should avoid disrespect in their words and attitudes.
In your case, honoring your father may mean treating him as kindly as you would treat a stranger. When you must talk to him, do it in a normal voice and not sarcastically or disrespectfully.
It is important to note that your father does not deserve your forgiveness, but if you choose not to forgive him, the bitterness in your heart will grow, making you into someone that is vindictive and resentful. On the other hand, if you choose to forgive him, don’t think of it as choosing to forget what happened. Instead, don’t give him a chance to abuse another child, and don’t cover up for him if more evil is discovered. You need not spend any more time with him than you have to. And never, never, never trust him.
We wish you well,
Linda