I’ve been living with my partner for over two years, after almost four years of being in a relationship. And even though we have plans to continue sharing our lives with our children—one of his and two of mine—I can’t accept that his commitments to his ex-wife and daughter come before us…..
I’ve brought it up many times, and now… he hides what he does for them so I won’t get upset. I find out by checking his phone…. I feel so lost! I didn’t realize this before, and I don’t know how to stop it or get him to change.
Dear Friend,
Your concerns about your partner’s priorities are definitely valid, and you are wise to want to clarify exactly how his funds will be allocated in the future. It is also significant that you feel you cannot trust him, so much so that you are spying on his communications on his phone.
Unfortunately, we believe that you should not continue your relationship with your partner. Disagreements about financial priorities should be significant enough to end the partnership. But when you add the lack of trust, we believe that there is no way for the relationship to survive anyway. The sooner that you accept this fact, the better for you and your children. We feel very sad for all the children who are forced to live with this kind of strife in their homes.
We strongly advise you to make a home for your children where they can have some peace and stability. God’s plan is for you to know a man well before considering a life with him. What are his financial priorities? How does he help his parents, siblings or other relatives? Does he spend money on leisure activities and habits, such as gambling or drinking alcohol, or on expensive hobbies? The answers to these questions should help you to know whether to pursue a relationship with him or not.
However, equally important is whether you can completely trust him. Does he ever lie, even a little bit? Does he hide things from you or justify bad behavior? Does he try to convince you it is paranoid or jealous of you to be concerned about his communication with other people? All of these behaviors are red flags that should tell you that he is not the one for you.
Of course, when you do find the right man, God’s plan is for you to wait to have a physical relationship until you are married.(1) The stability of marriage is what both you and your children need.
Lastly, we must tell you that we believe that your partner is right to prioritize the financial needs of his child who is living with his ex-wife. That child came first, and it is honorable of him to not desert or neglect her. You are mistaken to believe that you and your family should have priority over that child.
We wish you well,
Linda
____________________
1 Heb 13:4