I am twenty years old, and in just a few months I will be married…. For the past few months, my father has been having an affair with another woman…. I love my fiancé, but there is something that worries me from time to time. I have greatly distrusted my fiancé, and sometimes I feel rage toward men.
I am afraid that the same will happen to me as has happened to my mother, and I think I should be surer than I am now about taking the step I have decided to take. What should I do?
We are so happy that you have written to us now! Many people wait until it is too late, and then they write to us when there are no positive steps that can be taken to resolve their problems.
Have you ever seen a flashing warning light? It might have been in the street or on an ambulance. Flashing lights are designed to cause us to pay attention to possible danger. If we slow down and watch carefully, we can avoid the danger. However, if we ignore the flashing lights and proceed without caution, then we have no one to blame but ourselves for whatever tragedy results.
When we read your case, it was as if we started seeing flashing warning lights. We believe that if you proceed into this marriage before you have resolved your issues with trust, then you will endanger your future happiness and the future success of your relationship. No matter what consequences result from a delay, we urge you to postpone your wedding.
No one should go through with a marriage if they have doubts. No one! No exceptions! There are millions of unhappy couples who wish they had paid attention to the warning lights. They wish they could go back and have a chance to start over. Many of them will now admit that they had doubts all along, but they were too afraid to call off the wedding.
If you marry someone who you do not completely trust, it is like ignoring a flashing light and barreling forward off the edge of a cliff. If you marry someone before you have worked through the rage you feel toward men, you are condemning that man to be judged forever by something he didn’t even do. If you love him, don’t marry him until you are 100% certain that you can trust him and that you will be judging him on his own actions, not the past actions of your father.
God designed marriage to be the blending of two people into one.1 This requires common goals, common beliefs, common priorities, and complete trust in one another. It is clear that you and your fiancé are not yet ready to marry one another. Maybe in another year or two you will be ready. But you don’t have to make that decision now.
Don’t ignore the flashing lights!
Linda and Charles
1 Mt 19:5-6