For the past eight years, I have had a pretty good relationship. We have had plans to be married for a long time. My girlfriend is the ideal person to share my life with and go together with into the future.

However, I don’t know if it’s because of destiny or circumstances that we’ve had to postpone the wedding innumerable times, whether as a result of economic problems, housing, or family issues…. All of this has frustrated us and caused us to begin to act badly toward each other and stay away from each other, to the point that we are now not seeing or calling each other. I would like to have the right answer for her and for how to end up uniting in marriage.

Dear Friend,

Eight years is a very long time for a courtship and, as you have seen, is not healthy for a relationship. It is not unusual to have to postpone a wedding once, but when a couple postpones their marriage multiple times, a red flag of warning should go up. At that point the reasons just become excuses, and one or both of them has serious misgivings about the union.

No one should get married unless they find it difficult to live through even one day without their partner. You say that you aren’t seeing each other or even talking with one another now, so you are obviously living through many days without each other. Is it very difficult for you, or are you secretly relieved to take a break from the conflict?

You mention that your girlfriend is the perfect girl to marry, but you never once mention the word “love.” If she were the one writing, would she say how much she loves you? Probably. The fact that you can so easily write about her and about your relationship without mentioning love is another red flag of warning.

If you really loved her, wouldn’t the solution be to marry her right away? Most couples don’t have ideal circumstances, perfect living conditions, or any extra money when they get married, but it doesn’t stop them. They want to be together from morning until night, every day of the year. We don’t hear that kind of commitment in your statement of the problem.

Do you and your girlfriend have the same perspective of marriage? Do you both see marriage as God sees it? The apostle Paul wrote that when two people marry, they become “united into one.”(1) The “one” couple then has common goals and common priorities. They want to be together most of the time, because without each other they are not complete. Of course they will have disagreements and will have to compromise frequently, but their love helps them work out the issues for their common good. They have made a commitment to stay together until one of them dies, and they don’t regret that decision.

We don’t think you really love your girlfriend, and you are certainly not convinced that you want to marry her. Do the right thing and let her go. She needs to find a man who will cherish her and love her with all his heart.

We wish you well,

Linda and Charles
1 Eph 5:31 (NLT)