I am a twenty-two-year-old girl…. It all started where I work. I fell in love with a wonderful person, who is thirty-two years old. We started to talk, then go out, and then he asked me to have sex with him. I knew that I shouldn’t, because I dreamed of getting married; and yet I did: I lost my virginity to him. A year and a half passed during which we had sex two or three times a week, and I was in love with him. But now he has left me for no reason…. I think he traded me in for a prettier girl….
I’m very worried and depressed, thinking only about suicide. I don’t have the desire to live anymore, even knowing that I am about to graduate from the university as the result of working very hard at it…. I need a word of advice, as I don’t know what to do with what I feel.
We are very sorry for the emotional pain that you are experiencing, and we are saddened to learn that you had to suffer so much in order to learn a valuable lesson. You are now feeling deep regret for what you gave away, and you feel that you can’t go back to who you were before this man came into your life. You have been changed forever, but he just tossed you aside as if it meant nothing.
The truth is that it probably did not mean anything to him. There is a common saying that men use love to get sex, while women use sex to get love. He made you believe that he loved you because he wanted sex. And you gave in because you wanted love. He got what he wanted; you didn’t. He can now move on to the next vulnerable and gullible girl who will believe his deceit. You need to stop deluding yourself into believing that you were ever really loved by him. He used you and robbed you of your virginity, and now you get to decide whether you will also let him rob you of happiness in your future.
If you continue to torment and blame yourself, or if you continue to want him back, then your emotional condition will not improve. In that case, we believe that you should see a doctor immediately and tell her about your suicidal thoughts.
If, however, you want to put this behind you and start over, then we can help. The guilt that you feel is because you know what you did was wrong. The way to put wrong actions behind you and begin fresh is by asking Jesus Christ to come into your life and forgive you of all your sins. When Jesus forgives you, He also forgets. He no longer holds you responsible. So for Him, it will be as if it never happened. That will help you to feel clean again. And knowing that Jesus loves you and wants to help you through your daily life will give you security and emotional confidence that you haven’t had before.
The way to prevent this situation from ever happening again is to make a decision that you will never again engage in sexual activity until you are married. You have learned that making an exception to this rule can only bring pain. Remember that pain, and use it to help you stay strong when you are tempted in the future.
Many girls like you have written to say that, after losing their virginity, they mistakenly thought and acted as if it didn’t matter anymore, leading them to have one ruined sexual relationship after another. They ended up just where you are, but having the regret and pain of multiple failed relationships instead of just one. You can avoid their mistake and avoid more pain by remaining pure from now until your wedding day.
We wish you well,