I was married for two years. From the beginning of my marriage, my husband was very violent. He would hit me because of jealousy that was unwarranted…. One day he hit me and left. The same thing happened over and over again. It was a revolving door. When he would get angry, he would leave. He didn’t care about anything. The last time we separated, he once again hit me and left. I never wanted to see him again. He asked me to forgive him, but the same thing had happened so many times that I didn’t believe him anymore.

He would never consider getting [professional] help. I now don’t want to be married to him, but I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do. I just want to be alone and go on with my life. Thank God, we never had children, as I had two miscarriages. There are many wounds I must live with…. Now I am left with nothing, and I feel guilty and unhappy.

Dear Friend,

Your story is heartbreaking. We are so sad that you married a man who would treat you as he did! Some men (and a few women) are able to hide violent tendencies during courtship, but after the marriage ceremony their true nature is revealed. This is one reason why it is best to date a man for a considerable amount of time, spend time with his friends and relatives, and be with him in many situations before agreeing to marry him. This advice is too late for you now, but it is not too late for all those single women who will learn about your case.

You say that you now feel guilty. God gave each of us a conscience to help us distinguish between right and wrong. Doing wrong is generally what makes us feel guilty. However, in your case, your husband literally beat you down and manipulated you so that you became confused about right and wrong. He convinced you that it was right to let him hit you, and wrong to protect yourself. So you forgave him over and over, and let him back into the house to hit you again. And now you feel guilty for doing what was right.

Violence in marriage is never acceptable. The Apostle Paul says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.(1) How did Christ love the church? He died on the cross for the sins of every one of us so that we could become part of His church. He loved and gave and sacrificed. That is the model for husbands to follow.

Men with anger and violent behavior will not stop the abuse just because they regret their actions. Instead, they are likely to become increasingly more violent. Without the professional help of an anger management program or counseling, these men are not safe. Any woman living with an abusive man is endangering her own life and the lives of her children.

You also say that you are unhappy. Your plans and dreams have been crushed, and now you need time to make new plans and have new dreams. May God comfort your heart and give you a renewed purpose for going on with your life.

We wish you well,

1 Eph 5:25