My case is full of mistakes that tend to get worse and worse. A year ago I found out that I was going to be a father…. But before my girlfriend gave me the news, we had a big fight and were separated for five months…. Because I was distraught, I found another woman to be with who helped me get through it. I promised to take care of her [and her daughter], and… we got married….
When I heard the news that I was going to be a father… I found myself between a rock and a hard place. I was responsible for my child and responsible for my marriage. I had to make some decisions, and opted to look after my marriage. But I didn’t abandon my daughter. I was there for her birth, and held her in my arms….
Now my wife doesn’t want me to have any relationship with my daughter’s mother nor with my daughter. She prohibited me from seeing my daughter or from even knowing how she is doing…. What can I do to help her understand that she is wrong and that my daughter… is not to blame for what happened and is part of our family?
We are so sad for your daughter! Her life will be filled with adults arguing about her, and she may even come to the conclusion that no one wants her. Don’t let that happen!
Ask your wife how she would like to give up her daughter so that the two of you can live as a young married couple. She will be angry that you would even suggest it. But since she is not willing to give up her daughter, then why should you? Why is her daughter different than yours? Both were conceived in previous relationships before you met. And both deserve to be treated equally, as part of the family.
Your wife feels threatened by your ex-girlfriend, so you should obviously limit contact with your daughter’s mother. Talk to her and see her only in the presence of your wife. That way you will show your wife by your actions that you can be trusted, and that you are only interested in a relationship with your daughter. Let your wife know that if she can be cordial to your daughter’s mother, then you will have no reason to ever see or talk to the woman unless your wife is present.
Your wife will be angry and will threaten to leave you, but she probably won’t. Let her know that your decision is made and that her behavior will not change your mind. You brought this little girl into the world, and you must be responsible for her. You have been willing to accept your wife’s daughter, so she must accept yours.
You admit that you made a lot of mistakes, and I agree with you. We chose your case so that other people might learn from your mistakes and avoid the impossible situation that you now face. If you had never had a sexual relationship before marriage, all of this would have been avoided.
Anyone who chooses to have sex outside of marriage may someday find themselves in a similar situation. The Apostle Paul taught that sexual immorality is sin,1 and even though the popular culture would have us believe otherwise, sin almost always brings difficult life consequences along with certain eternal consequences. But, unlike life consequences, eternal consequences can be dealt with easily and quickly. All we have to do is believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, and ask Him to take away our sins and be the Master of our lives. When He forgives us and becomes our Best Friend, He takes away the eternal consequences and also enables us to make better decisions in the future.
We wish you well,
1 1Co 6:9; 1Th 4:3