Many years ago my parents were murdered…. The scene continues to pass through my mind, and I ask God to help me forget those memories. My grandmother, an aunt, and some other relatives helped my sister and me to move on. Now we are professional women with great ambitions.
However, it’s very hard for me to accept what happened, and… I cry and beg God to take my life. It feels like I fall into depression at the slightest thing. Just as I have good days, there are others when I don’t want to go on. I don’t know what to do. I would like to be stronger. Will God forgive me for all those thoughts I have? Could He help me get over this?
Your story is such a sad one! We are sorry for what you are going through now, and for what you went through as a young girl. No one should have to live with those kinds of experiences or memories, in addition to the loss of both parents. Please know that we care about you and would like for you to write to us again and let us know how you are doing.
You ask if God will forgive you for your suicidal thoughts and depression. What you may not realize is that your thoughts are made up of the chemicals and electrical impulses in your brain. It is very likely that the trauma you suffered at a young age altered the chemicals in your brain so that it is impossible for you to get rid of these thoughts without help. Obviously God does not hold you responsible for something you cannot control. So you do not need to ask His forgiveness for your thoughts. There is nothing to forgive.
Every one of us has sinned, and every one of us needs God’s forgiveness. He sacrificed His only Son Jesus Christ so that our sins can be forgiven when we ask in Jesus’ name. But you do not need to ask God to forgive you for something that is not your fault.
Your other question is whether God can help you get over your depression and suicidal thoughts. Yes, He can. But God usually expects us to do the part that we are capable of doing, and then He will do what we cannot do. In your case, you can tell a medical doctor about your suicidal thoughts. The doctor may want you to take some medication to regulate your brain chemicals, or you may be referred to a different doctor. Whatever the recommended action is, do it! Do the part you can do, and ask God to do the rest.
You must be very strong to have been able to study toward a professional degree in spite of the turmoil in your life. We congratulate you for all that you have accomplished! However, sometimes emotionally strong people believe that everything is possible if they just try harder. They believe that they don’t need any help. Please understand that this is not your fault and there is no shame in asking for help. Make an appointment with the doctor today.
We wish you the best,