I am married and have two children. I fell in love with a girl who is twenty years younger than I am. Both of us study in the same university. In the beginning everything was great, as I had problems with my wife and the new relationship was comforting to me. But now, two years later, it seems like my girlfriend doesn’t want to have relations with me. She is always giving excuses to keep me from touching her or being affectionate. I asked her why, and she says that she feels badly because my wife sent her ugly text messages…. My girlfriend says that she loves me, but that I should give her time to understand what is going on. I feel desperate, because I think the reason she has become distant is that she doesn’t love me anymore. What can I do?

Dear Friend,

We are glad that you ask what you can do, because we do have some advice for you. If you are a wise man, you will seriously consider this answer to your question.

You say that you fell in love with your girlfriend and are desperate to think that she doesn’t love you anymore. We wish we could ask you how you define love. Would you say that love is caring very much about another person? You probably believe that you care very much about your girlfriend. Obviously caring about someone means that you want the best for them. So would you say that you want the best for your girlfriend?

But really, what is best for her? Is it better for her to stay with a married man who is responsible to provide financially and emotionally for his wife and two children? Is it better for her to spend her years as the “other woman,” never having a husband and family of her own? Is it better for her to stay with a man who has already proven that he doesn’t keep the promises that he makes? Is it better for her to waste her years, knowing all along that she is contributing to the unhappiness of your real family?

Of course not! If you are able to step back and look at the situation objectively, you will recognize that the relationship with your girlfriend may satisfy some needs that you believe you have, but it certainly doesn’t satisfy her needs. It is not best for her; instead, it is foolish and dangerous.

So our answer to you is to keep the promises that you made to your wife when you married her. Go to marriage counseling to work out the differences between the two of you. Devote yourself to doing what is best for your children instead of being selfishly consumed with what you think is best for you. Stop communicating with the other woman, and don’t allow yourself to find another “other woman.”

You may think that it is impossible to make your marriage successful again. But with God, all things are possible.(1) Admit that you have been selfish and sinful, and beg forgiveness from your wife. Ask God for His forgiveness in the name of His Son Jesus Christ. You can begin again once God has forgiven you. Do it today!

We wish you the best,

1 Mt 19:26; Mk 10:27; 14:36