[My husband and I got married a few months ago, after three years of courtship.] He spends all his time on his phone. When I wake up in the morning, he is on his mobile phone. We have argued about this, because I don’t like him staying on the phone as if he were not married.

We are both jealous, but I am as open as I can be with him, and I feel like He, on the other hand, is not totally honest with me. I have considered leaving him or trying to save my marriage, but he won’t do his part….

He hides the screen from me when he is messaging. He doesn’t even let me touch his phone. Help me! I am desperate!

Dear Friend,

We are so sorry for the desperation that you are feeling! Desperation is an emotional state in which you make choices based on your feelings rather than based on logic and reason. It limits your ability to evaluate choices based on their own merits, and instead causes you to make choices based on inaccurate or incomplete information.

In this state of desperation, we would guess that you feel anxious, afraid, and angry. The more you think about what your husband is doing, the more anxious you are, the more afraid you become, and the angrier you feel. In other words, your thoughts cause chemical changes in your brain that you experience as anxiety, fear, and anger. Then, feeling those emotions causes you to have more thoughts that are similar. It becomes a vicious circle of thought, feeling, thought, feeling. You may even find it difficult to think about anything else because your brain is constantly occupied with the thoughts and emotions related to your husband’s phone use.

Even though we do agree with you that your husband’s secretiveness is probably detrimental to your marriage, we seriously doubt that your displays of emotion will cause him to change. In fact, it is more likely that your emotions will further alienate him from you. That is why we believe that you will be able to communicate more effectively with your husband if you learn to control your emotions.

I have found that my trust in God helps me to think about what He says rather than what I am anxious about. He says that He loves me and that I can trust him to handle my problems.(1) And He says that He will guide my life if I will allow Him to.(2) So, as I strategically fill my thoughts with all the good that God has done for me, and thank Him for all the blessings in my life, I find it easier to resist anxiety and fear.(3) And I can trust Him to guide me to make wise choices and to give me strength for whatever trial I am facing.(4)

Some time ago, another woman told us about the problem that she had with secrets on her husband’s phone. We recommend that you read Case 317 and consider the advice that we gave her.

We wish you the best,

1 Jn 3:16; 1P 5:7
2 Pr 3:5,6
3 Ps 56:3
4 Ro 8:28; Php 4:13