I am in a relationship with a guy… but six months ago I discovered messages with his best friend in which they were sending each other photos in a way that was very strange to me, and the friend referred to my boyfriend as a pretty boy. And one time when the three of us were together, the friend told me that my boyfriend was his, and that he came first, before me. I confronted my boyfriend, and he said that it was only a game and that it wouldn’t happen again.
A few days ago, my boyfriend left his cell phone with me and… the friend, not knowing that I had the cell phone, wrote him a message that was very upsetting to me. I asked my boyfriend to explain those types of messages, and he gave me the same answer as before…. I love him, but I’m afraid that this situation could happen again and get even worse. I fear that it would be a mistake not to leave him.
You seem to be asking how you can distinguish between an innocent game and a serious threat. That is a good question, but the more important question is whether you should risk marrying someone whom you have serious doubts about. And the answer to that question is much more important than all the details and reasons in your case.
No, you should not risk marrying someone whom you distrust. No matter what the reasons and no matter what the details, no one should go ahead and marry someone who raises serious doubts. Please read Cases 327 and 577, and notice that the answer is the same even though the details are different.
Your boyfriend and his friend may be playing a game and it may be totally innocent. However, if it is innocent, your boyfriend should have kept his word to you and ended the game. If he tried to end it, but the friend kept it going, then your boyfriend should have chosen to end his relationship with his friend rather than to continue participating in the game.
Your boyfriend obviously chose to continue the relationship with his friend even though you were upset by it. He chose to overlook your feelings and to place a higher value on that relationship than on his relationship with you. That is a clear danger sign that you need to pay attention to.
The period of courtship is a time to learn everything about your prospective spouse. It is a time to observe your boyfriend’s financial decisions, attitudes, actions, priorities, values, relationships, and his character traits, including honesty and integrity. When a prospective spouse reveals a weakness or fault in one of these areas, the wise person knows that marriage will not change that weakness or fault. As a matter of fact, the weakness or fault will only intensify.
Only foolish people overlook danger signs. And only foolish people place a higher priority on the emotional feeling of love than on the cold, hard facts. Wise people, on the other hand, are able to look past the emotional feeling of love in order to examine the facts.
How can we be wise? King Solomon, one of the wisest men who ever lived, said, “Wisdom begins with fear and respect for the Lord. Knowledge of the Holy One leads to understanding.”1 Recognizing that God loves you and wants to help you is a good place to start. As you continue getting to know Him, through prayer and reading the Bible, He will help you to understand each situation.
We wish you the best,
1 Pr 9:10 (ERV)