My husband and I got married eight years ago because I was already pregnant, but we lost the baby girl. We now have two boys who are the reason that we haven’t separated, because my husband confessed to me that he is not able to love me…. He constantly treats me with indifference. I am worn out after having put all my effort into saving this marriage without getting my husband to change.
Dear Friend,
We are so sorry to hear of your situation! However, we are very glad to hear you say that your children are the reason you and your husband have not separated. Unless there is abuse involved, they should always be reason enough for you to stay together! Your children need their mother and their father, and they will be much better off because the two of you are working together to provide and care for them. That’s why it’s so commendable that you have a relationship with the goal of doing the best for your children.
When you stop and think about it, if you had not had a sexual relationship with your boyfriend eight years ago, you would not have gotten pregnant and ended up marrying a man who doesn’t love you. But then you would also not now have your children that you love so much. So, while you may greatly regret those past decisions, we are quite sure that you wouldn’t want to do without either of those boys.
People in some cultures have arranged marriages. They hope to come to love their spouse, but that is certainly not guaranteed. They do not see romantic love as a necessary component of marriage.
That is very different from our Western view of marriage in which love with a capital “L” is seen as the most important and necessary component of the relationship. Movies and television programs promote the idea that the highly emotional aspect of romantic love is the indispensable ingredient that a relationship cannot do without.
This idea is the insidious cause of broken marriages, deserted children, and ruined lives. Marriage is not a feeling; it is a commitment. A man and a woman agree to join together and to live their lives and bring up their family in partnership. It is wonderful if the two feel the thrill of romantic love, but the truth is that feelings ebb and flow. They are here today and gone tomorrow.
Our feelings are affected by our health, our hormones, our friends, and even whether the sun is shining. They are so unreliable that we should never trust them. If you put your focus on your feelings (or your husband’s lack of feelings), it will make you unsatisfied and even despondent. And that will cause you to make decisions that you are likely to regret.
Did you know that God wants to help you? If you let Him take control, He will give you wisdom to deal with every disappointment and every obstacle, He will give you peace that doesn’t ebb and flow like our feelings do, and He will give you courage and strength to face the future.
We wish you well,
Linda