I have been married for seven years… but I’ve felt tempted many times by other women… and have become an adulterer. No matter how hard I try, I can’t manage to desire my wife exclusively, and that keeps me from being right with God. Help me!
It is good that you are asking for help. But you don’t say if your wife knows about your adultery. If she doesn’t know yet, it’s only a matter of time before she finds out. Do you value your marriage enough to follow through on our advice?
Some people believe that adultery is inevitable. They are convinced that faithfulness to only one spouse is too difficult to accomplish. Men, especially, sometimes boast about how many women they have affairs with. They believe that this sexual activity proves their manhood, or that it is a type of competition in which they can excel.
This kind of thinking, however, severs the bonds between sex and love. When the word “love” is used as a tool of seduction, true love is nothing more than a concept that is not valued. Instead, the unequaled treasure of committed love is lost by exchanging it for the fleeting physical satisfaction of serial sexual partners.
When you give in to temptation and engage in an extra-marital sexual relationship, your brain produces chemicals that are addictive. This is the reason you think that you can’t stop engaging in such behavior. The more you give in, the stronger your urges are. It can be compared to drug or alcohol addiction. The difference is that, whereas no one is proud of being addicted to those destructive substances, many are proud of their sexual exploits.
The only way to break this addiction is to let your wife into every part of your life. Reveal your passwords and invite her to daily view your communication on your computer and your mobile phone. Tell her where you will be at every moment of the day, and talk with her by phone at every opportunity just to keep yourself accountable. Stop lying to her about where you are and who you are with. And invite her to accompany you in all of your leisure activities.
We are sure that this sounds extreme to you because it will require you to change your lifestyle completely. Can you do it? Of course you can! The question is whether you really want to change.
You believe that your affairs are keeping you from being right with God, and we agree. Adultery is clearly forbidden in the Ten Commandments. (1) However, God is willing to forgive adultery just like any other sin. (2) But just saying you are sorry and asking for forgiveness is not enough. If you continue to break the commandment, the words “I’m sorry” have no meaning. It’s easy to say the words, but God knows full well whether you mean them or not. (3)
We wish you well,
1 Ex 20:14
2 1Jn 1:9
3 1Sa 16:7; Ps 139:2,23-34; Pr 17:3; Lk 16:15; Ro 8:27