I suspect that my husband is having an affair with our housekeeper. I am not sure if they have already had sex, but I have a feeling that it is about to happen. I think it’s best to fire her, but the anguish of not knowing if anything has happened is killing me.
I am desperate and don’t know what to do. I’ve had a very hard time sleeping and eating because of the desperation and anguish I feel from not knowing what’s going on. If something did happen between them, my husband is not going to tell me, and I don’t think she will either.
I am saddened to know that you are going through such agony. Not being able to sleep or eat is leaving you in a weakened condition that will only make things worse. Please make it a priority today to find some food that appeals to you, and take the time to eat it. Also make plans for spending quiet time tonight before going to bed to try and wind down from the day. Many people find that reading can make them sleepy at night. Avoid having a controversial discussion with your husband close to the time for sleep. This will just keep you awake.
If your husband is having an affair, you will need to be strong to deal with the situation. You will need to be able to think clearly and make some decisions. But the state you are in now is not going to make that possible. You are over-anxious and wound up tight. When you feel this way, stop and take some deep breaths. Concentrate on breathing in and out as slowly as you can. Force yourself to think positive thoughts. What are the good things that have happened in your life or in your family? Make a list of the good things and then think about those things while you are taking slow deliberate breaths.
By now you are probably thinking, “But what about my husband? What about my problem? All you are talking about is me!” Yes, I am concentrating on you first because you cannot do anything productive about your problem until you get yourself under control. You have let possibilities highjack your mind and your body. These possibilities may not even be true, but you are out of control anyway.
Without knowing you personally, it is difficult to assess your situation. But let’s start by asking you a few questions. Is this the first time you have suspected your husband of infidelity? What proof do you have that something is going on? Are there other things that you distrust about your husband? Have you caught him in lies before? If you have had suspicions of other women in the past, what proof did you have then?
Because you are so upset, you gave no reasons why you believe something is going on with your husband and the housekeeper. Instead you admitted that you didn’t know if their relationship was sexual. You said you just “had a feeling.” If all you have is suspicion and no proof that you can point to, yet you are so extremely upset, I would have to guess that you have an overactive imagination, are highly emotional, and have a tendency to be jealous for no reason.
Some women think jealousy is a good thing. They believe that it shows how strong they are. However, just the opposite is true. What jealousy really shows is insecurity, a lack of confidence, and a lack of self-control. Other women say, “I can’t help it.” But this is also untrue. You can decide to get control over your overactive imagination and place your trust in people that you love. It is a matter of self-control.
However, if your husband has a proven history of cheating on you, then you have reason to be on guard with other women. In that case, I wouldn’t have a housekeeper unless she were a much older woman. I would also evaluate the safety of continuing to have marital relations with a man who might have a venereal disease.
The root of your problem is that you don’t trust your husband and you obviously are not his best friend. This is not how God designed marriage. When He established in the beginning that husband and wife are to become “one flesh,” (1) He meant that they are so emotionally close to each other that they can have complete trust in one another. They begin to know exactly how the other thinks and feels. There is absolutely nothing between them because they are joined instead of separate. This is divine design, and it is the ultimate in relationships on this earth.
When a husband and wife have both put their faith and belief in Jesus Christ, it gets even better. Because they base their beliefs upon the Bible, there is much less room for disagreement. Because God is by their side to help them, it is more difficult to pull them apart. They trust in God and in each other.
The apostle Paul counsels us, “if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (2) This is the prescription for unfounded jealousy. You must replace the negative destructive thoughts with positive ones. It will be extremely difficult at first, but it will get easier the more you practice it. God will also help with this if you ask Him.
1 Gen 2:24
2 Phil 4:8