My thirty-six-year-old son was admitted to the police academy, and asked my other children not to tell me, but I found out through my granddaughters….

Today was his graduation, and he wanted me to tell him why I never ask him anything about his work. I answered that I didn’t know he was in the academy, and he replied that the reason I didn’t know is that I never asked him how he’s doing at work.

We don’t communicate much. He calls me to take care of his children…. He told me that his colleagues do know about his work and the things he likes, and I answered that it’s because he talks to them, but he doesn’t tell me anything.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

You and your son are engaged in a power struggle. Each of you believes that you have been wronged.

Parents, many of whom sacrifice their own desires for years in order to give priority to their children, may find it very difficult to adjust when a child becomes an adult. They are no longer needed in the same way, and may feel cast aside and neglected.

However, it is normal for an adult child to seek to establish independence during the young adult years. Parents who are threatened by that and respond in a defensive or confrontational manner usually cause the adult child to get angry and retreat. This is the beginning of a vicious cycle that can go on for years.

The relationship then devolves into a pattern of one unmet expectation after another. In your case, your son expects you to be supportive of his progress into adulthood, while you expect him to seek and value your advice. Your son is offended that you don’t seem supportive, and you are offended that your son no longer seems to value you.

The negative dynamic was spread when your son told his siblings to keep a secret from you. And after finding it out from your grandchildren, you lied and told your son that you didn’t know. Both you and your son are trying to outdo each other for the “prize” of who has been treated the worst.

This is not a case of right or wrong, but rather of healthy or dysfunctional. You must decide what you want the most. Do you want to continue this power struggle so you can be right, or do you want to have a healthy relationship and communication with your son?

Power struggles occur because of pride. Both you and your son are too proud to let the other come out ahead. We recommend that you heed the following advice from the Apostle Paul: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”(1)

Humility, which is the opposite of pride, means holding your son’s feelings in higher regard than your own feelings. It means taking the risk of loving him fully even when you feel that he is not reciprocating that love. It means starting your conversations by talking about his life, and it not mattering if he ever asks about your life. And finally, it means conceding the power struggle while knowing that you have won what is most important.

We wish you well,

Linda
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1 Php 2:3-4 (NIV)