I’ve been married for twenty years…. We’ve never been unfaithful to one another, nor has there been any abuse. However, I feel abandoned. The attention my wife gives me is very scarce, as is mine towards her, but she doesn’t care about that. Regarding intimacy… we only have relations whenever she wants to….

I have thought about leaving her. I haven’t done it because of the three children we have…. It’s better to sacrifice myself than for them to be destroyed…. I believe that my wife doesn’t love me, that she’s accustomed to being with me, and there’s nothing new that ignites the flame of passion that I want us to have.

Dear Friend,

We congratulate you for making your children your highest priority! Your willingness to “sacrifice yourself,” as you say, for their well-being is admirable. How much better our world would be if more men had the courage and determination that you have!

Instead, the top priority of many other men is to have their own needs met. If they decide that their wife isn’t meeting their needs, they find another woman to get involved with, callously leaving their children behind both physically and emotionally. This can cause their children to have life-long abandonment issues. But you don’t want that outcome for your children, so you have not been unfaithful nor have you left the home.

However, you are unhappy with the fact that neither you nor your wife is putting any effort into your relationship. You assume that her lack of effort is because she doesn’t love you. But that assumption on your part may be completely wrong.

Mothers have the tendency to be so involved with their children’s needs that they do not put enough priority on their husband’s needs. Then, there is the house to clean, dinner to make, laundry to do and an unending list of things to be taken care of. What you perceive as a lack of love on her part could be exhaustion.

Please do whatever it takes to consult with a marriage counselor before it is too late to save your marriage. It may be that neither of you has adequately communicated your needs to the other, or that one or both of you haven’t been listening. A counselor can help you discover what your wife really feels instead of you assuming that you already know.

Determine that you will put effort into the marriage even if your wife does not. Help with the cooking, the laundry, and the children’s homework. Show by your actions that you love her and that you care about her needs. Express affection toward her while expecting nothing in return.

You have an example to follow as you choose to sacrifice yourself for your children and your wife. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, sacrificed Himself when He died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins. He gave His life so that we can have a full life here on earth and eternal life in heaven.(1) That is an example for all of us to follow.

We wish you well,

Linda
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​1 Jn 3:16; 10:10; 2 Co 5:15