More than fifteen years ago, I met a woman with whom I started a romantic relationship. She is ten years older than I am. At first, everything was very nice…. Two years after starting the relationship, we had a son….
We’ve lived together all this time, but we’ve had problems and have been on the verge of separating. However, I’ve always fought to not separate from my son. We haven’t gotten married. Each day the relationship is more broken, but the love we both feel for our son keeps us together despite all the problems…. I feel that neither she nor I are happy, and I no longer know what to do.
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Dear Friend,
We are very impressed by one of your statements. You say, “The love we both feel for our son keeps us together despite all the problems.” We congratulate you both for putting your son’s needs before your own needs. You are truly rare individuals to be willing to sacrifice what you want for your son’s sake.
While it is true that, because you have never married, it would be less complicated to split up, you would still need to find a lawyer to formalize a child custody agreement as well as child support. And those legal necessities would give you and the boy’s mother even more things to argue about. In many cases, children become the pawns that their parents move around to take revenge against each other. This happened to one of our family members, so we know by experience how difficult it can be.
You say that you and the boy’s mother are both unhappy. That is because you are not meeting each other’s expectations. A professional counselor could be a mediator to help you each realize and state those expectations, while at the same time teach you to communicate in a more positive manner.
However, if one or both of you are not willing to see a professional counselor, and if neither of you is interested in revitalizing the relationship, then you should decide together how to give your son a home that is stable and peaceful.
For example, you can stop your physical relationship completely, agreeing to become platonic roommates and joint caretakers of your son. By no longer expecting to meet each other’s needs, you will have more time to concentrate on your son’s needs and to make him happy. You have very few years to go until your time with him will be much more limited. So make the most of every day you have with him while you can.
Are you willing to sacrifice a romantic life during those years to do the right thing for your son? Are you willing to refrain from dating other women even though you and your son’s mother are no longer together romantically? Are you willing to agree to communicate with her calmly, as well as to disagree with her calmly, for your son’s sake? The only thing necessary for you to do all of this is for your love for your son to be greater than your love for yourself.
We wish you well,
Linda