After ten years of marriage, my wife felt very drawn to an attractive and much younger guy who would come to the house to sell us bread. Sometimes they would spend up to forty minutes talking in front of our house. I would tell my wife that what she was doing wasn’t right, but she would reply that it was just an innocent friendship. I warned her many times until they got to the point where they met outside and, according to what she told me, they kissed. I don’t know what to do.

Dear Friend,

First let’s talk about what not to do. Do not confront the guy in an effort to show your dominance. And do not threaten him or have a physical altercation with him. However, it is fine for you to tell him to never come to your house again, if you can do it calmly.

It is significant to note that your wife did choose to tell you about the kiss. She could have kept the secret and continued her relationship with the guy, but she decided to tell you. Because she confessed, we are going to guess that she is sorry and that she wants to repair her relationship with you.

You may feel really angry with her because she did not heed your warnings about the inappropriate nature of her long conversations with the guy. Was she trying to get even with you for something that you did, such as a relationship that you had or are having with another woman? Or was she trying to make you jealous because she feels like you don’t pay enough attention to her? She may very well feel insecure about aging or her appearance, and the younger guy’s attention made her feel better about herself.

There is no doubt that what your wife did was wrong and that this breach of trust could destroy your marriage, if you let it. But because you are asking for our advice, we think that you want to save it.

Can you forgive your wife once and for all and never bring it up to her again? Remember that Jesus Christ said that if you do not forgive others their sins, your Heavenly Father will not forgive your sins.(1) He was teaching that for each of us to be forgiven of our own sins, we must be willing to forgive others.

We believe that it is critical for you and your wife to go to at least a few sessions of couples’ therapy so that a counselor can help the two of you set appropriate boundaries for the future. Without a mediator, we believe that you will have a very hard time working through this difficult situation.

Most importantly, we highly recommend that the two of you recommit to one another and ask God to bind you together once again. Ask Him to help you find resources to strengthen your marriage. Many large churches or community organizations sponsor marriage seminars or even couples’ therapy groups that could be a great help to you.

We wish you well,

Linda
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1 Mt 6:15