My family is made up of my twelve-year-old daughter and two sons, together with my partner, who is the father of all my children…. Unfortunately, he sexually abused our daughter. When I found out, he was very sorry and asked Christ to come into his heart, and asked forgiveness from our daughter and from me….
My mother wants me to report him to the authorities and for me to separate from him…. I know that we should forgive, but I am also thinking of my daughter. I don’t know if she needs professional help. She says that she has forgiven him and that she doesn’t want us to suffer because of her…. What can I do to forget about this and rebuild my family?
Dear Friend,
Please understand that we want the best for you and for your family, and that is why we have to tell you that you are misinformed about what forgiveness means. You specifically say that, since you have forgiven, you want to now forget about what happened.
You are correct in saying that we must forgive. It is so important that Jesus Christ taught that if we do not forgive others their sins, our Heavenly Father will not forgive our sins.(1)
However, Christ did not say that forgiveness includes trusting the person that harmed us, nor that we should put ourselves or our loved ones back into danger to be abused again.
No one except God knows the truth about whether or not your partner was sincere when he asked God to forgive him. Many people who sexually abuse children will say anything to prevent being punished. They beg forgiveness and may be truly sorry at that moment. But, unfortunately, most of them do not stop abusing children.
A man who would sexually abuse his own child is more than just a sexual predator and more than just a pedophile. He committed incest, which means that his mind is able to completely put aside normal paternal love and instead see his own daughter as a sex object and as a means of gratifying himself. In order to satisfy his own desires, he was able to put aside any fatherly concern and care about your daughter’s future.
As if that weren’t enough, he then deceived you into protecting him and covering up his deviance, using the Biblical concept of forgiveness to trick you. And he caused you to choose him in all of his perverseness instead of your daughter in her innocence.
You can be sure that your daughter will never forget. You say you don’t know if she needs professional help as if you think that everything can go back to normal and she can be an innocent twelve-year-old again! That is not possible! He stole from her what can never be restored. She will need professional help if you ever want her to be able to understand that she is still the lovely, pure, innocent creature that she was before he took it all away.
Follow your mother’s advice today. Report what happened to the authorities. Protect your daughter! And stop being deceived!
We wish you well,
Linda
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1 Mt 6:15