I am engaged and love my future husband, but there are things that have hurt me. On several occasions, when he has been furious, he has raised his hand against me and raised his voice. He always justifies it by saying that I made him angry.
He is very anxious to get married, but I am now afraid and don’t know if I really should…. He says that he’s praying a lot to change, but I wonder, if he did it once, will he always do it? … Besides, he is drowning in debt, and we don’t even have a house to go live in. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Friend,
We are so very relieved to know that you are waiting for advice before continuing with your wedding plans! You say that you are afraid of getting married. We believe that you are afraid precisely because God wants to warn you that you are in danger. And you are definitely in grave danger. Please take our advice very seriously and follow up with us to let us know that you are protecting yourself.
Your fiancé may be a wonderful, loving man. And he may have just a bit of a temper. But when he tells you that it is your fault that he raised his hand and voice to you, that is called gaslighting. It shows that he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, but instead blames you for what he has done.
It sounds great that he is asking God to help him stop the abusive behavior, but this type of behavior is the kind that won’t change just because of prayer. Of course, God will forgive him if he is truly sorry, but being forgiven, and then changing, are two different things. Your fiancé doesn’t even understand that blaming you for what he has done is just as wrong as raising his voice and hand to you.
We would guess that he also blames others for why he is in so much debt. He probably doesn’t take responsibility for bad financial decisions either, maybe thinking that he has just had bad luck.
Please hear us clearly. The fact that he blames you is reason enough to break the engagement. But so is the lack of anger management and the debt that he is in. Those are three completely different reasons why you should break it. In baseball, after three strikes, you’re out, and these are definitely three strikes. Please get out of this relationship today!
People who are abusive, whether it is physically, sexually or psychologically, do not usually intend to be abusive. They can decide to change, pray to change, and promise to change. They can cry and feel genuinely sorry for what they have done. They can also be very sincere, but those around them must protect themselves and get away, if at all possible. Abusers need ongoing professional help.
We wish you well,
Linda