I feel terrible and incredibly guilty. I would like to kill myself…. For some reason that I don’t understand, I started feeling attracted to my cousin. One night we were together, and I touched her in ways I shouldn’t have, but I stopped myself and we didn’t go further.
Later, during a family outing, I tried to secretly record her naked with a hidden camera, and she caught me doing it. Now she hates me, and I hate myself even more. She says she forgives me… but I don’t feel right…. I went back to church after having stopped going, but… I feel like a fraud…. I feel like I’ve destroyed not only my cousin and my family, but also my self-confidence. Honestly, I disgust myself.
Dear Friend,
It is good that you apologized to your cousin, but even though she forgives you, you can’t expect her to ever trust you again. It would be foolish for her to trust you after you betrayed her in such an extreme way. Women who are wise know that they have to be constantly on guard to avoid situations in which guys would take advantage of them. Apologies are the right thing to do, but they never minimize danger.
Of course, it doesn’t feel good to you to be considered an untrustworthy person or worse, but that is the natural consequence of what you did. Don’t expect anyone to comfort you for feeling so badly, and don’t draw attention to yourself by threatening suicide. You are not the victim. Killing yourself would be a cowardly way to avoid the natural consequences of what you have done.
Your actions toward your cousin are actually only a part of your problem. You may have used that same hidden camera at other times with other women. And almost certainly you are a heavy user of pornography. You are obsessed with the physical appearance of unclothed women. This obsession has clouded your thinking to such an extent that you didn’t even consider how your actions would affect your relationship with your cousin. You didn’t take into account her feelings at all. You were focused on your own physical gratification, so you allowed your lust to completely override whatever familial love and care that you might naturally have for your cousin.
The good news is that God will forgive you if you are truly sorry. But He knows the thoughts that you have in secret, and you won’t be able to deceive Him if you are a fraud. No amount of church attendance will hide what is in your heart.
However, just getting your heart right with God is not enough in your case. You need to go to a medical doctor and tell him about your compulsions and your suicidal thoughts. He will be able to refer you to a specialist who has experience in dealing with cases like yours. We urge you to get professional help this week. Do not put it off. Your entire future depends on it.
We wish you well,
Linda