I am separated from the father of my fifteen-year-old daughter, but now I am finding it difficult to get her to want to go to see him when it’s his time for visits with her little brother. She tells me that her father blames her for things that happen to him with his current partner, and that he says degrading things about me. I have talked to him several times about not saying inappropriate things to our children, but he doesn’t listen to me, and it is affecting them.
I don’t know how to handle this situation.
Dear Friend,
Personal conflicts and emotional scars are never a justification for hurting others, especially our own children. There is no excuse for demeaning the other parent in the presence of innocent children. This form of speech reflects selfishness and immaturity.
The Apostle Paul taught that we should not only be concerned about our own interests but also about the interests of others.(1) While most parents claim to put their children first, they do not recognize that their own personal conflicts and emotional scars have distorted their ability to be objective.
It is unlikely that anything that you say will change what the children’s father has been saying. In fact, he may be reacting to your requests by doing just the opposite of what you want. He may be vindictive enough to ignore what is best for the children in his effort to perturb you.
What we do not know is whether there is a legal order specifying the conditions of the children’s visitation with their father. If there is a legal agreement, then you would need to go back to the legal system to alter it.
However, if a legal agreement does not exist, then you have more options. The best option would be to consult with a professional family counselor. Your daughter could express her feelings to the counselor, and then you could follow the counselor’s advice.
In the absence of a professional counselor, we suggest that you support your daughter’s decision to have fewer visits with her father as long as she understands that you cannot be the mediator between them. She must negotiate with him herself in a respectful tone and without accusing him of anything. However, as she does, it is important for her to discuss one visit at a time with him and not to try to stop seeing him altogether.
Morally and ethically, unless there is evidence of abuse, your daughter’s father has the same parental rights that you do. To change that, you would need to hire an attorney and get a judgment by the legal system. Some courts might consider the wishes of a fifteen-year-old, while others would not.
As a mother, you are accustomed to caring for and protecting your children, so you naturally want to solve your daughter’s problems for her. However, if she is mature enough to decide whether or not to visit her father, then she is mature enough to negotiate with him herself.
We wish you well,
Linda
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1 Php 2:4