My wife didn’t really like having sexual relations with me, from as far back as our honeymoon, and that frustrated me and made me mad. So after seven years of marriage, I ended up being unfaithful….
I have two children with my wife, and I’ve been wanting to restore my home for more than six years, but I don’t know how to approach my wife, even though I go there almost every day to see my children. I feel stuck because I don’t know what I’d do if she rejects me. We haven’t divorced yet, and I’d like your advice on how to proceed.
Dear Friend,
How wonderful that you see your children almost every day! Too many men let problems with their wives cause them to neglect or even abandon their children. You are to be commended for making your children your highest priority.
You say that your wife wasn’t very interested in having sexual relations even on your honeymoon. That was the time to have given attention to the issue and to have gotten professional help. At that point you probably could have had the marriage annulled and saved yourself all the years of turmoil that followed. But then you would have never had your precious children.
Instead, you say that you committed adultery, and we don’t know if that was a one-time thing or if you have continued making that mistake throughout these six years. This distinction may not seem relevant to you, but we believe that it makes an important difference.
When you committed adultery, you broke your vow to be faithful to your wife. One of the Ten Commandments instructs us to not commit adultery, so your action gave your wife justification to separate from you. Because you broke the marriage covenant, she’s not obligated to stay with you.
If you were unfaithful only once, then your wife could choose to forgive you and to renew the marriage. But if you have had an ongoing relationship with the other woman, or have had two or more relationships with other women during this time, then your wife may forgive you, but she would be unwise to renew the marriage with you.
You obviously love your wife and want to be with her, but it is probable that nothing has changed in her attitude toward marital relations. Why would you want to start over again with her when you know that she will make you just as frustrated and full of rage as you were before?
We suggest that you ask your wife if she would be interested in consulting a professional marriage counselor with you. If she is willing, then a professional counselor could help you both to examine all of the factors and to evaluate whether you should start over. However, please make sure that the two of you avoid bringing your children into it.
We wish you well,
Linda