My wife used to get irritated that I would complain about the lack of cleanliness and order in the house. She believes that everyone should clean and wash their own clothes. That led to me washing and even ironing my clothes in order to appease her.

She also used her credit card to buy materials to repair a room in her parents’ house, with the intention—at least I believe so—of moving there…. A few weeks ago, I found out she had made purchases she hadn’t told me about, and she got angry that I asked for details.

I’ve started to distrust her, but I love her so much that I’ve chosen to stay quiet…. She has told me that she respects me… but I don’t know what to think. That secrecy doesn’t give me much security.

Dear Friend,

Arguments over financial details have been the cause of many marriage conflicts and even marriage breakups, so we agree with you that this is a serious problem. Even though your wife says that she respects you, she may be hiding things from you. What you don’t mention is whether or not you are hiding things from her as well.

You say that your wife has her own credit card and expenses that you don’t know about, so we’re going to assume that she works outside of the home. When both spouses work outside the home, they must have an understanding of how the joint expenses will be paid. For example, if they’ve each had a separate bank account before the marriage, they should also open a joint account after the marriage and agree on the percentage of his and her salaries that will be contributed monthly to the joint account. If either spouse has accumulated or inherited money or property before the marriage, we recommend that an attorney be consulted.

In the majority of marriages, pre-existing financial resources are not an issue, and couples usually have only joint bank accounts. However, in the case of substantial pre-existing debt or loans or of bankruptcy, it is also highly advisable to consult an attorney.

In your case, trust has completely broken down and the issues cannot be resolved with just some words of advice. We recommend that you consult a professional counselor to help identify and expose the secrets. If your wife is preparing to leave you, a counselor might be able to help the two of you to repair the damage.

When both spouses work, laundry, cleaning, cooking and child care are all responsibilities that they share, whereas when only one spouse works, the other should take care of most household responsibilities. However, for the benefit of the children, both spouses should be responsible for every facet of the children’s lives.

In the well-known Biblical chapter about love, the Apostle Paul wrote that love is not selfish.(1) That means that spouses who really love one another are concerned about sharing responsibilities, financial resources, and even time.

We wish you well,

Linda
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1 1Co 13:5