For the past five months, I’ve been getting to know a woman who shares my faith…. Her mother, however, who does not yet know me, speaks of me in a condescending way…. The daughter hasn’t been able to maintain a relationship with anyone because her mother always interferes and even wants to decide whom she’s going to marry.

We’re thinking that if the friendship continues this way, we could consider a courtship, but we’re afraid that her mother will interfere in that relationship too. We want to know what to do. Please give us some advice.

Dear Friend,

You are very wise to ask about this before beginning a courtship and getting more involved with this woman. And she is wise to let you know what has been going on in her life and why she is not yet attached.

Since you mention your faith, we want to first remind you of what the Bible says about this kind of situation. From the very beginning the Bible says that the man is to leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two become one.(1) We believe that this teaching applies to women the same as to men, that is, that the woman is to leave her father and mother as well. That is why when Jesus Christ quoted this passage from the book of Genesis He used the Greek word anthropos, which means man in the generic sense and is therefore also translated as “human being” or “person.”(2)

We find it very interesting to note that this teaching about leaving father and mother was given before mothers and fathers even existed! God knew ahead of time that there would be conflicts and power struggles, so He made sure, in advance, to give us guidelines for overcoming them.

In the case of your woman friend, her future depends upon her ability to separate herself from her mother. If she cannot or will not do that, then we recommend that you proceed no further in this relationship. If she can’t manage it now because of taking care of her mother, or because of finances, or because of family dynamics, then she will likely never be able to separate herself. And if you choose to pursue this relationship in spite of this, you will have only yourself to blame when the issues grow in intensity.

Honoring your parents, as the Bible teaches, does not mean that you must live with them or that you must tell them about your romantic life. And it certainly does not mean that they should choose your spouse. Those who still practice such customs live mostly in the Eastern Hemisphere and follow the teachings of other religions instead of the teachings of Christ.

We wish you well,

Linda
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1 Ge 2:24 (GNT)
2 Mt 19:5; Mk 10:7