My wife doesn’t tolerate much affection from me. However, I love being with her and our two daughters….

Personally, I deeply value being intimate with my wife, but she is almost always tired, has a headache, or simply tells me that I need to wait…. I’m a follower of Christ, and I love my wife…. But I feel like I’m giving more in the relationship than I’m receiving.

For example, she usually goes out with her friends at least once a month…. I, on the other hand, don’t go out with my friends because I prefer to stay home and take care of our daughters…. What can I do to balance things out from my point of view?

Dear Friend,

We congratulate you for prioritizing your family! Many men could learn from your example. Not all are willing to invest time and effort into creating a loving family. They prioritize their personal wants and desires above those of the family.

It is also admirable that you recognize that your point of view is probably different from your wife’s point of view. And it is wise of you to realize that both points of view are equally valid.

With regard to spending time with friends, once per month seems very healthy. Women, especially mothers, need conversation with others who are like them. It helps to be reminded that all have similar struggles and challenges. As a matter of fact, for that same purpose we advise you to spend some time with friends each month likewise.

With respect to intimacy, God created men and women differently in many ways. That is, of course, a generalization, but mothers tend to spend all their energy on their children, and frequently have little energy left for their husbands. To women, physical intimacy is like dessert; something in their heads says that they don’t get to have it until they have finished eating the meat and rice. In this case, the meat and rice are the care of the children and the care of the household.

Alternatively, God created men with the ability to compartmentalize. Almost all men are able to put aside cares about the children and the household when they want to concentrate on intimacy. Most women can’t do that, even if that is what you see in the movies. So when the man starts giving affection, the woman immediately thinks of all that must still be done before she can respond to it, and is therefore unresponsive.

We suggest that you try doing the dishes after dinner, folding the laundry, and helping the children with their homework and whatever else they need to do before going to bed. Don’t concentrate so much on how much you are doing, but rather on how much you are lessening her load. When she sees that you actually care about all that she has to do, she will feel more affection towards you. And if you help without expecting anything in return, she will really take notice, and will likely have some energy left for you.

We wish you well,

Linda