I’ve been divorced for ten years. I was left with three daughters, whom I raised with great dedication and effort, taking them to church ever since they were little….
Three years ago, my oldest daughter earned a scholarship to study in a city far from me. I’ve supported her in everything, and she’s done very well in her studies. Three months ago, she wrote to me and told me she has a boyfriend. But now she says she’s going to live with him, someone I don’t even know…. It has left me in shock and so distressed that I don’t know what to do. I would appreciate your wise counsel.
Dear Friend,
We are very sorry to hear about your situation. We understand how distressed you are that your daughter is not living according to the moral and Biblical standards that you have taught her ever since she was a child.
When young adults leave their homes to attend a university, they have the opportunity to test what they have been taught at home. If they have any doubts about God, or if they have curiosity about other ways of life, those university years provide a setting for them to explore their own beliefs and to learn about the beliefs of others. We, as parents, would like to protect them and guide them, but they may not accept our protection or guidance.
When adult children move away from home while attending a university, their parents have to face the fact that their children are now able to make their own choices and live by their own beliefs. The adult children already know what their parents believe, so it is of no value for the parents to try and convince them that their choices are wrong. Parents who insist on confronting their adult children repeatedly and at every opportunity may cause their children to cease contact with them.
However, parents do not have to approve or accept the actions of their adult children. Instead, they must recognize that those children have the right and the power to make their own decisions. And they must find a way to love and support their children while agreeing to disagree.
Your daughter is a young adult, living on her own and making her own decisions. Since there is no way for you to force her or manipulate her to live by your standards, we recommend that you focus on maintaining a positive relationship with her in spite of your disapproval of her choices.
Jesus Christ is our model for how to show love without approving of sinful behavior. When He walked on the earth, He often encountered sinners, offering them His love without nagging them about their sins. You can do the same.
We wish you well,
Linda