I don’t know what love is. I don’t love anyone, and instead I try to hurt the people who love me the most: my wife and my daughter. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I do things I shouldn’t and, every time I decide to turn to God, I feel condemned and guilty. That is why I have a lot of fear, and I hide behind this computer to write what I can’t say to anyone because I fear that they will reject me.
There is something inside of me that wants to shout, “Jesus, help me!” But I am not able to do that because I am tied to many bad habits and addictions. I want to start over.
Thank you for telling us your case. You may believe that you are the only one who has these types of thoughts and feelings, but there are many others who can identify with you.
Let’s start with the guilt and condemnation that you feel. You say that these feelings keep you from turning to God. But God is not the One who wants to condemn you. In fact, He gave His only Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in your place so that you would not have to be condemned. That means the condemnation that you feel does not come from God. Instead, we believe that it comes from Satan himself. Satan wants to make you feel so much condemnation that you will not enter into a personal relationship with God. So Satan constantly whispers that you are guilty of many sins. That is true; each one of us is guilty of sin. But Satan also whispers that you are worthless, that you don’t deserve love, and that a Holy God would never accept you. And those are all lies.
Meanwhile, God is trying to communicate with you. His quiet voice is what you hear in spite of your fear and guilt. That is why you say that something inside of you wants to shout and ask Jesus to help you. It is your response to the invitation that He is making to you. He invites you to have a personal relationship with Him. If you accept His invitation, He will forgive you and take away the guilt that you have for all the ways that you have sinned against Him and others. Furthermore, since God is love, He will help you learn how to love others, such as your wife and daughter.
You say that you don’t know what’s wrong with you, nor why you continue to do things that you know you shouldn’t. That is because you have allowed Satan to rule in your life. You have given him complete control. He has even taken away the love that you might have felt for your family. Do you want to go on this way? Do you want to continue to give Satan complete control? If the answer is no, then tell God that you are sorry and ask Him to forgive your sins. Tell Him that you are grateful that Jesus already took the punishment for all your sin so you wouldn’t have to be condemned. Let God break the power that Satan has had in your life. Let God change you.
You can start over!
Linda and Charles