I have known my boyfriend for a while. I love him a lot and have dreams of being married to him, but he says that in order to get married he needs to make sure that I’m a virgin. I’ve told him that I’m a virgin, but he says that it’s a requirement I must fulfill, and that he’ll only get married once he’s sure. I don’t want to give in, even though I love him. All of my life I have guarded my virginity. Why did I have to fall in love with a man like this?
Dear Friend,
We believe that you need to be very careful! This man is trying to brainwash you into believing that what he is demanding is something that is normal and reasonable. But you have told us your situation and are asking for our advice because what he is saying is very different from what you have always believed.
You have guarded your virginity well, most likely because you believe in and follow God’s plan for your life. God’s standards are obviously important to you. We congratulate you on being strong and determined, and for resisting all the pressure from those around you and from the media.
Of course, many people do not care about or follow God’s laws as you do. They believe that reserving the sexual relationship for marriage is outdated and unnecessary. They may consider the sex act to be a casual activity with no lasting significance, not accepting that God designed it to be a bonding ritual that emotionally links a married couple. In fact, scientists have found that the brain produces a hormone called oxytocin during sexual relations. Oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone because it facilitates a sense of love and attachment.
Knowing about oxytocin could cause your boyfriend to say that a couple who are engaged to be married should have sexual relations in order to get the bonding process started. But those who follow God’s standards know that “almost” married means “still not married.”
When your boyfriend asks you to prove that you are a virgin, he is saying, “I don’t believe that you are telling the truth. In fact, I think you may be lying, and I don’t trust you. I want you to give up your beliefs and convictions to prove to me that you are trustworthy. Then we will both know that what I want is more important than what you want. We will both know that my convictions matter, but yours aren’t important. And we will both know that I can control you through manipulation.”
A man who requires you to prove yourself now is very likely the same man who would distrust you as a wife. He sounds like the type who might eventually want you to break off relationships with your friends and family so that you could always be available to him and so that he could always “trust” you.
We advise you to break off this unhealthy and destructive relationship immediately, no matter how much you love this man. We don’t know why you “had to fall in love with” him, but we do know that it is clear that you should get him out of your life permanently, before it is too late.
We wish you the best,
Linda