About ten years ago, I made the dreadful decision to abort my little child, who was conceived as a result of me giving up my virginity to a married man. When he found out that I was pregnant, he asked me to abort the child. It really hurt me for him to say that. I didn’t want to do it, but after a few days I asked him to go with me to do it. And that’s how I killed my own child.
Time passed, I married, had a son, and then my husband and I separated. We reconciled after a while, had marital relations from time to time, and I became pregnant. This time I said we should abort the child, and so we did.
Oh, God, how it hurts to remember it! And to know that I am the murderer of my own children. I would have rather that it never happened, that I would never have done it. All I can do is ask God to forgive me. To forgive me! I don’t know if He can do it, if he can forgive a woman who deliberately killed her own children in the womb.
I haven’t told this to anyone. It’s the first time I’ve even written about it.
Now I have two children. I love them a lot, and I plead with God that they would never go through what I have gone through, for this guilt torments me every day. At times, especially when I am affectionate with my children, I think about the children that I aborted and what they would be like.
My God, forgive me!
Thousands of women understand your pain. They, too, suffer every day of their lives. They wish they had the opportunity to go back and do it all over again. They long to hold in their arms the children that are lost to them forever.
The most important thing that we can tell you is that God will forgive you. No matter what you have done, He is ready and waiting to wash it all away. But you must ask, truly believing that Jesus Christ came to this earth to take the punishment for your sin. In other words, the reason God our Heavenly Father can forgive you is that His Son Jesus has already taken the punishment. When He died on the cross two thousand years ago, He died for your sins and for ours. So now when you ask God to forgive you, in Jesus’ name, it is as if God takes your sin and writes Jesus’ name beside it, and then marks it, “Paid in full” and “Forgiven.” 1
Right where you are, in your own words, tell God that you are sorry and ask Him to forgive you in Jesus’ name. Tell Him that you accept that Jesus died so you could be forgiven. Then thank God for being willing to sacrifice His only Son to make this all possible.
After you have finished praying, the weight of sin and the guilt that you feel will be lifted off of you, and you will feel clean and free. Write to us and let us know how good it feels! We will be excited with you!
1 Col 2:14