My boyfriend has decided to marry me after several years of courtship…. He says that, now that we are engaged, he needs some time on his own to go a little crazy and do what he won’t be able to do once we are married. In other words, he wants to get drunk and have sex with several women. I was surprised by his request…. Even though he says that he loves me and wants to go ahead with the wedding, I don’t know what to think… Should I go ahead with the wedding plans anyway?
No! If he wants to have other women now, he will want that much more after the wedding. Why would you want to unite with a man who is not ready to love you, and only you? Please, don’t do it!
Case of the Week
For seven years I have been in a relationship with a good woman. We are about to be married, but I don’t think I can be faithful to her because I am attracted to other women. I have even considered breaking up with her, but I haven’t done so because I know that it would hurt her very much. The problem is that I don’t feel attracted to her.
Thank you for being honest with us and with yourself. You say that you are in a relationship with a woman that you are not attracted to. Yet you are willing to marry her because you don’t want to hurt her, even though you don’t say that you love her.
How much will it hurt her to find out that you are attracted to other women and not to her? It will, no doubt, cause her much pain; but it will be much easier for her to recover if she finds out before marrying you. For if she did not find out until after you were married, you would then hurt her even more because she would no longer have the opportunity to go out and find a man who loves her and is attracted to her.
You call her a good woman and say you don’t want to hurt her. Doesn’t she deserve a man who will be faithful to her? And doesn’t she deserve a man who will always be thinking of her instead of other women? We strongly recommend that you show her this word of advice and tell her that she does indeed deserve much more than you can give.
We are sad that you have taken seven years away from this good woman’s life while feeling no attraction for her. We can appreciate the fact that you don’t want to hurt her, but that is exactly what you have already done by making her believe that you love her enough to marry her.
You will not be ready for marriage until you are so much in love that you won’t even consider any kind of relationship with other women. Marriage is for best friends who trust and respect each other, and are attracted to one another above all others. The description of a man and a woman becoming one1 is the model of what God intended for marriage. You are obviously not ready to join yourself to this woman by making such a commitment.
We believe that many mature adults in our audience are in relationships of convenience. A man continues to go out with a woman because he hasn’t found another woman he likes better. A woman keeps a man in her life because he takes care of her and protects her, or because all of her friends are already married and she feels that her time is running out. Some who have already engaged in a sexual relationship before being married feel trapped and confused. Now is the time to put an end to these relationships that will eventually cause even more pain and heartache. Life is not a fairy tale. There are many who do not live happily ever after.
Linda and Charles
1 Ge 2:24; Mk 10:7‑9