After three years of marriage, my wife told me that she didn’t love me. Two years later, she said it again. After another four years, while she was pregnant, one afternoon she told me that she didn’t love me; but that night she was very affectionate. Then after the baby was born… we were at her parents’ house and she said she didn’t love me; but the next day she came home and has acted like nothing happened.

Please, this confuses me and I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to live with this uncertainty.

Dear Friend,

Some people consider their words carefully, while others say whatever comes into their heads without considering whether they really believe what they are saying or not. In an argument, competitive people will say just about anything to get their own way, or to win the argument, even when they know what they are saying is not true. They apologize later and try to take back what they have said.

Although their hormones to some extent influence all women, some women have more severe mood swings and apparent changes in their personalities because their hormones are out of balance. Women may say and do things that they normally wouldn’t say or do, even more so those who have a flair for the dramatic. And especially during pregnancy, women are known to display erratic behavior as a result of their hormones. We don’t believe that this physiological imbalance should be used to excuse or justify rude behavior or wrong choices, but understanding the underlying factors should make family and friends more patient.

It was interesting to hear that in about ten years of marriage, there were only four times when your wife said she didn’t love you, and each time she acted differently soon afterward. Although it is never acceptable for a wife to deny her love for her husband, after ten years of marriage you surely know that she sometimes says things that she doesn’t mean. Since you must be a sensitive person to remember each incident so clearly, we recommend that you forgive your wife and forget these offenses.

The most important point for you to remember is that real love is an action, not a feeling. Just as your wife may not always feel that she loves you, you probably don’t always feel love for her either. Feelings come and go. When you are feeling angry, you certainly aren’t feeling much love. But when real love causes a man and a woman to commit to each other in marriage, feelings no longer matter. Each day as you choose to honor the commitment you made on your wedding day, you also choose to show your love by your actions. If you continue to do that day after day, the feelings will return.

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, in his human condition, may not have felt much love for those who were spitting on him and nailing him to the cross. But in spite of that, He asked the Father to forgive them for what they were doing to Him.(1) He loved them (and us) so much that He chose to hang on that cross and die for all our sins, proving by His actions that He really loves us.

We wish you well,

Linda and Charles
1 Lk 23:34