I have been married for more than two years, after five years of going together. We love each other deeply, and a year ago we decided to have our first child. Our baby girl was born three months ago, and we’ve really fallen in love with her, but our relationship as a couple has suffered. We almost never talk about us anymore, and no matter how much I want to get close to my wife to talk with her or for other purposes, she always has an excuse, which makes me upset with her.
I love both my daughter and my wife. I promised God that… I would never treat my wife badly and that our marriage would last for our whole lives. But the truth is that I don’t know how long I can put up with my wife’s attitude, her temper, and her moodiness since the baby came. The only thing I want is to be in love the same as we were before, but even more so because we now have a baby. What should I do?
Dear Friend,
Millions of men who will hear, watch, or read this message know exactly how you feel. They know because they experienced it. Why would so many men experience exactly the same thing? Because it is completely normal!
We never recommend having a baby so soon after you are married. You didn’t have enough time to be together alone. You didn’t have time to really enjoy or adjust to your new life together. However, it is too late to change that now.
As all other men, you want your wife to pay attention to you and think of you as her first priority. That’s what she promised when you got married, right? You want your wife to be ready to be with you whenever you want, just as it has always been.
But babies change our world. Life as you have known it before is gone. And it will never be the same again. Wishing that things could be the way they were is just like wishing that the sky were purple. It’s not realistic. Babies demand the number one spot in the family. They require constant care and attention, and that means sacrifice on your part as well as on your wife’s part.
Your wife’s bad temper and attitude have various causes. Her hormones have not yet returned to normal, and those chemicals in her body greatly affect her mood. Secondly, she is physically exhausted from the constant demands of your daughter. And lastly, it sounds like you have been pushing her to do what she does not have the emotional or physical energy to do.
You say that you don’t know how long you can put up with this situation. Did your marriage vows include the phrase “for better or worse?” Did you really mean those words?
The best advice we have for you comes from the Apostle Paul. He said, “In humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”(1) Following Paul’s advice, you can determine to think about what your wife needs rather than what you need. Does she need help with laundry or food? Does she need you to take care of your daughter for a couple of hours so that she can get a nap? If you help her consistently and cheerfully, you will begin to stir up positive feelings in her that will never happen by your complaining and nagging.
We wish you well,
Linda
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1 Php 2:3b-4