I have a twenty-three-year-old daughter. She is the product of forbidden love with a man who has a wife and two children…. I was always very careful that no one find out about us. He has been financially responsible for my daughter, and gave her his last name, but has not been with her all of the time.
About six years ago we decided to end our relationship, but recently my daughter saw on social media a photo of her father with his other family. She found out about all of it and wrote to her father in a rage. He immediately called me, but he didn’t respond to her at all. I don’t know what to say about it.
Thank you for trusting us with your dilemma. We can’t even imagine what your daughter is going through and the emotional pain that she is suffering. We would like to be able to help make her feel better, just as we know that you would.
However, your daughter is an adult. She doesn’t need you to protect her anymore. She doesn’t want you to be her mediator, which is why she wrote directly to her father. She has every right to be angry with him and to express her feelings to him without having you in the middle trying to smooth things over.
Your hesitation suggests that you want to make things right for your daughter, but without causing any discomfort for your former lover. If that is what you want, then you are showing loyalty to the man and not to your daughter.
Your daughter is very likely judging your reactions to find out to whom you will be loyal. What she needs from you is emotional support for the betrayal that she feels. She does not need you to tell her not to be angry, nor what she should or shouldn’t write or say.
We suggest that you tell your daughter’s father that he cannot use you as a go-between. Tell him that you will not relay any messages to your daughter for him, and that he can decide for himself how he will respond to her.
Then tell your daughter what you told her father. Tell her that you are sorry for her pain and for how you let it happen by having a relationship with a married man.
Just like most children born as a result of an adulterous relationship, your daughter will continue to suffer the punishment for what you and her father chose to do. It’s not fair for children to be punished for their parents’ sin, but you didn’t think of that when you started dating a married man.
God loves you very much, in spite of the ways that you have broken His laws. Your sin is no worse than everyone else’s sin, including ours, as all sin breaks God’s law. However, He will forgive you if you ask Him to, just as He has forgiven us.
We wish you well,