I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, but our relationship has been deteriorating because of his infidelities. A year ago, he met an older woman who promised to give him things like money, a business, and a car.
He says that she knows about our relationship and that he wants to be with me, but that he doesn’t want to stop communicating with her because she has promised to help him get ahead. And now he wants to go to lunch with her, but he doesn’t want me to go with him because she would be offended and would no longer help him.
¿Should I let this continue, or should I break up with him? He says he’s doing it for our future.
Dear Friend,
We are glad that you are asking for our advice. Making the right choice has the potential to improve your life, whereas making the wrong choice could ruin it.
Let’s imagine that you agree to the plan and accept that your boyfriend meets with the other woman and pays attention to her. Let’s also imagine that she eventually gives him what she has promised and that it helps you and him have a more comfortable future together. How would you feel knowing that, while all that is going on, you are not included in their meetings because the woman would be offended if you were? Would you not continue to question the intentions of a woman who sees a younger man alone and gives him expensive gifts as a reward for his attention?
The part of this situation that is the most troubling is that your boyfriend has tried to convince you that it is acceptable for him to give the woman what she wants as long as the two of you are rewarded in the end. You admit that his history with you has already included infidelities, so it is likely that he sees another infidelity as a fair price to pay in order to get ahead financially. But he wants to do it with your permission so it can feel like he is doing something that is good and right for the two of you.
This kind of thinking is called consequentialism because it stems from the belief that the morality of an action should be judged solely by its consequences. Your boyfriend apparently believes that it is morally acceptable to say and do whatever the woman wants as long as, in the end, he gets rewarded. And he wants you to believe that it is morally acceptable too.
We do not believe in consequentialism. Instead, we believe in the moral standards given to us by God, which include the virtues of honesty, integrity, and faithfulness. If you must lie, deceive, or be unfaithful, then those actions are morally wrong no matter how good the consequences may be. Additionally, there is no guarantee of positive consequences when there is so much risk of deception, disillusionment, and betrayal.
We wish you well,
Linda