Eight years ago the father of my children committed suicide…. I was very unhappy, so I had decided to leave him and take my children…. He was unfaithful to me and hurt me a lot. That night that it happened he said that he wished I were dead. I was really scared because I could see evil in his eyes. He told me he was going to take his own life, but I didn’t take it seriously. So I left the house for a few minutes, and when I returned he was dead.
Ever since that day I have felt guilty because I think I should have listened to him or believed what he told me. But I didn’t believe him…. It happened many years ago, but I remember it as if it had been yesterday.
No wonder you still remember what happened as if it were yesterday! Traumatic events have a way of permanently scarring us, even though we can’t see the scars. Our minds replay the memory of the event one time after another, like watching a looped video. And the more we try not to think about it, the more it comes to mind.
That trauma that happened eight years ago has changed your lives forever. It is to be expected that you would question yourself as to whether you could have prevented the suicide. As you relive the event in your mind, you ask yourself all the “what if” questions: What if I had believed him? What if I had not left? What if I had told him that I would give him another chance?
However, we have some “what if” questions of our own: What if he had kidnapped your children? What if he had harmed or killed one or more of them? What if he had attacked you and killed you and the children before killing himself?
None of those questions have answers. But there is absolutely no doubt that you were forced to protect yourself and the children. You had to get away from him as you sensed that he was becoming more and more unstable. The fact that he took his own life is proof that he had become very dangerous. He killed himself, but he was not able to harm you or your children because of your brave actions. When you think of that night, always remember that if it had not been for you, there could have been even more deaths.
Unfortunately, the invisible scars from that traumatic event will always be there, but you can ask God to help you move forward. For those of us who have had our hearts broken and have been crushed, David the psalmist assures us that “the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (1) God loves you, so accept His help and let Him stay close to you.
We wish you well,
1 Ps 34:18 (NIV)