I live with a man who is fifteen years older than I am. We are not married, but he has been married twice before. He has abused me a lot—verbally, physically, and emotionally. He has kicked me out of his house many times, but when I pack my bags to leave, he stops me and asks me to forgive him, so I end up staying with him.
Five months ago, I accepted Christ as my Savior and Lord. I now understand that I’m living in the sin of fornication, so I told him we should get married, but he doesn’t want to. Should I leave him?
Dear Friend,
Congratulations! Deciding to be a follower of Christ is the most important decision that you have ever made. You now have the great advantage of being able to trust God to be with you and to guide you for the rest of your life.
God is obviously already guiding you because you have realized that living with this man without being married to him is not God’s plan for your life. So you have considered getting married, but have found out that he doesn’t want that.
Many people might ask why you would consider marriage to a man who has abused you repeatedly. The answer is that you may be suffering from Battered Woman Syndrome. This is a way of thinking that has been caused by living with abuse for an extended period of time. In this way of thinking, you have mistakenly come to believe that you deserve the abuse. So instead of protecting yourself, as would be natural, you stay in the same environment with your abuser and allow him to abuse you again. Then, because you feel that you are responsible for having made him angry or upset, you accept his last-minute apologies and give him more and more chances.
The man in this situation always goes on to abuse the woman again because his apologies are pure manipulation rather than legitimate regret. He may say something like, “You know that you really make me angry when you argue with me. It’s no wonder that I lose control and hit you! If you just wouldn’t argue with me, this would never happen. Let’s just forget about it.” And so he convinces you that it was really your fault after all.
You ask if you should leave the man. The answer is yes! You do not deserve to have to live another day in an abusive relationship. However, the first reason you should leave is that God has shown you that your living situation is causing you to sin against Him.
People often ask what God’s will is for their lives. They are looking for a master plan that gives them step-by-step instructions. But God usually doesn’t reveal His will to us that way. He does lead us one step at a time, but doesn’t give us the next steps until we have completed what He has already told us to do.
The next step for you is to find a new living situation. After you have done that, God will show you what the next step is.
We wish you well,
Linda