A few months ago my elder daughter, who is twenty-five… told me that she was moving out to live on her own. Later I found out that she had a boyfriend and had been sleeping at his house. That broke my heart into pieces, and I didn’t see her or talk to her for several months….
Now my younger daughter, who is seventeen… started attending the university…. I discovered on her mobile phone that she uses very bad language, that she lies, that she drinks alcohol with her friends… and that she took nude photos of herself and sent them to a boy she talked to. Furthermore, she is… disrespectful….
I don’t know what I did wrong…. My prayer is that God would have mercy on them and that I would die so I won’t have to see them like this.
Dear Friend,
We are very sorry for your anguish. And we are even more concerned about the welfare of your daughters and the perilous choices that they are making.
Some people who learn about your situation will not be surprised. They know, as you do, that extramarital sex, vulgar language, drinking alcohol and lying are unfortunately very common behaviors for many young people. In fact, some of those people even call those behaviors “normal.” You, on the other hand, have a different worldview than others, based on your belief in a personal God who loves your daughters and wants the best for them.
However, we wonder what your daughters think about you wanting to die because of their behavior? Does your death wish cause them to admire your relationship with God? Will they ever want to follow God the way that you have and end up as miserable as you are? You are the one who has a personal relationship with God, yet you are acting like someone who has no hope. Do you depend on God to guide you and to give you His peace in spite of your difficulties?
You say you didn’t speak to your elder daughter for months. Do you believe that your anger adequately showed her the love of God? Or does she associate your anger with a vengeful and demanding God?
Your elder daughter is an adult, and as such she has the right to live with whomever she pleases. You do not have to agree with her choice, but she is still the daughter that you love. It is a big mistake to alienate our adult children because they won’t live by our rules and standards.
On the other hand, your younger daughter is still underage. Now that you know about her activities, we recommend that you do what is in your power to keep her from such dangerous behavior.
Most of the time, the power that a parent has is financial. Make it clear to your younger daughter that you won’t pay for her mobile phone unless you have access to review her messages. The fact that she is sending nude photos of herself shows that she does not understand the implications or dangers. For her safety, we recommend that you put up barriers by adding conditions to what you pay for.
Finally, stay calm, don’t threaten, don’t act in anger, and depend on God to guide you.
We wish you well,
Linda